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The Shiny bullshit Saga starts with: the news. Yes, friends and neighbors, the news is shiny bullshit. It is a product of Giant Effing Media, Inc.  It has been handcrafted and sculpted for distribution to and consumption by specific target audiences. Audiences whose proclivities mean that opinions can be sculpted along predetermined lines. If they do a really good job they can even get reactions that make more news.

It doesn’t matter what color box the news comes in, it is a product in a seller’s market. Manufactured with pride by dedicated professional bullshitters who use the science of how brains work to execute their bullshitery.

Yes, the bullshit mongers at Giant Effing Media, Inc. are Assholes. Yeah. Effing. My girlfriend tells me I shouldn’t say fuck so much.

Newsy Bullshit Cycle

 This is how a newsy bullshit cycle starts.

  • Event 1: Someone, or many someones, swing their asshole about.
  • Event 2: Some other people respond to the assholery by engaging in a little of their own. In ways that are ultimately meaningless, But draw the attention of said GFM, Inc..

 And the professional bullshitters go to work. Like those orcs under that mountain and that ring movie. “We have work to do.” And so they do. And do. And do.

Now let us visit the fictional Bulliverse to grab a visual for you the explaining the difference between journalism and the news.

The facts

Preschool incident. Tommy Brown is being an asshole, just a random preschool asshole. Nana Nana boo-boo and all that. Janisse Will gets fed up with the assholiness and wacks him a few times with a hollow plastic baseball bat. And Mrs. Rogers sends both miscreants to see principal Smith, who then puts the fear of the system into both their asses. They return to class and sit on opposite sides of the room. And the day goes on.

Now for the reporting of the events, we will start with … 

The Reason

The reason. Janisse Will, though only four, has already begun to think deeply about the world and was studying the hollow plastic bat, contemplating plastic, and it’s overall wrongness in the world and there just had to be an asshole disrupting the flow of cosmic epiphanies. Her asshole switch engaged: Bat, meet Tommy.


Today, in Mrs. Rogers  Preschool class at Highlawn elementary, Janisse will, age 4, struck Tommy Brown, also 4, repeatedly about the head with a hollow plastic baseball bat. Witnesses are on record confirming that Tommy was exhibiting assholey behavior prior to the altercation.

Both participants were escorted to principal Smith’s office where  corrective action was taken.  The students were returned to class and placed on opposite sides of the room. 

The News

This accurate accounting of events is now taken by the Janisse-based media outlet. And transformed into the news:. Of course, they are far more subtle than I in this my foray into the absurd, with this little tale of who starring Janisse Will and Tommy Brown.

Today, in Mrs. Rogers preschool class at Highlawn Elementary, Janisse Will, aged 4, struck Tommy Brown repeatedly about the head with a hollow plastic baseball bat in self-defense fending off Tommy’s attempts to touch her inappropriately, onlookers claim.

Both students were sent to the principal’s office where an undisclosed source reported authorities were called and parents notified.  Janisse returned to class where she was welcomed with sympathetic hugs from her fellow students.  

And since bullshit follows the laws of physics and every action has an equal and opposite reaction. So the Tommy biased media outlet jumps into the party. Hey, I didn’t write the laws of physics, Isaac Newton did. Got a problem take it up with him.

 So they take the events and start spinning their bullshit.

Today, In Mrs. Rogers preschool class at Highlawn elementary, Tommy Brown age 4, was violently assaulted by Janisse Will of the same age.  Tommy was playing 

quietly when Miss Will suddenly began hitting him repeatedly about the head and shoulders with a hollow plastic baseball bat 

Both students were sent to the principal’s office where an undisclosed source said authorities were called and parents notified. Tommy returned to class where he was welcomed with sympathetic pats from his fellow students.

And you know, the memory being such a funny thing and all, by the time the Bullshit Spinners are done spinning,  Janisse distinctly remembers Tommy’s hands in her panties, and Tommy wholeheartedly believes he was just sitting there minding his own business when this female just went apeshit on him out of the blue.

Let the games begin…

And suddenly people have opinions. Opinions that generally sound a lot like one media outlet or another. Oh and a bullshit collective forms consisting of people with similar opinions.  Opinions formed for them by their favorite media outlet.  And reinforced daily for as long as he the bullshit craftsman at Giant Effing Media, Inc. can carry the thread.  Keep the conversation going as they like to phrase it.

Sometimes the conversation involves a lot of folks calling each other names and other untoward and pointless activities. Sometimes the elected officials and wannabe elected officials jump in with their two cents. 

Then there’s that one punditty bullshitter who starts the speculation that maybe Janisse whacked Tommy Brown because Tommy is, well, Brown. And then folks start to crowd around that particular piece of toxic fucking bullshit like potheads to a Doritos festival. 

So they keep the conversation going and going until something new to converse about happens, say, 50 people killed by an exploding Bullshit Bomb in Las Vegas. 

A little something for everyone

Of course, there’s that one person, Lucille, who asked the question “why the fuck is there a hollow plastic baseball bat in the fucking class?“ She then makes it her personal mission to ensure that hollow plastic baseball bats are never again seen in the classroom.  Of course, the government says “sure, we will take that on!“ And immediately begins to form, and staff, The Department of Plastic Bat Management   And the government grows a little bigger and a little more powerful.

And the reasons, yeah, whatever.

Disinforming the masses

To conclude, Journalism informs. The news leads a body down a path to the desired conclusions. One educates. The other manipulates. Get it?

A smart guy named Thomas Jefferson once said: “A well-informed citizenry is the best defense against tyranny.”

Taking a quick look over in the North American bullshit zone, there are a poorly informed people headed for Tyranny. It’s simply a question of what form and economy that tyranny will take. 

 GFM. Inc. Doesn’t give a rats ass about informing, They are in the Bullshit Business. They are about spreading the bullshit to an increasingly misinformed and divided populous,  pumping their agenda and milking the Awful Fucking Event reporting cow for all its worth. All while making a healthy margin. Win fucking win.

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