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The Asshole Rapture

The Asshole Rapture is a mythical cosmic event wherein all the assholes are suddenly taken from the earth overnight. Not leaving all that many folks, to be honest.

But we can visualize the world afterward. Picture zombie apocalypse. Without zombies.

We can even make a movie. Call it Left Behind or something. It could follow the antics of Felix, played by Kirk Cameron, who suddenly wakes up alone. And the seven other non-assholes left in Manchester, Connecticut.

Left Behind, the other movie

We have a fast intro showing “The Event.” Assholes being taken away all over. Caught away into the mysterious asshole beyond. From their beds. From from the cockpit of airplanes. After landing of course. Unless it was a plane full of assholes, then what would be the point? And if the plane wasn’t going to crash into any non-assholes. Hey. The Cosmos doesn’t want to be an asshole about the Asshole Rapture.

Then the film cuts to a scene where we meet Felix, looking through the wide-open doors of Giant F”ing Everything Cheap, Inc.

He goes promptly to the Outdoor Sports department and grabs a shotgun and shells while music plays. Not for defense, mind you, there not being any assholes left, but because who knew taking a twelve gauge to the paint section would be so much f*cking fun?

After he runs out of paint he determines to pay a visit to Giant F’ng Paint, Inc.’s retail outlet over on Broad, but matters of surviving comfortably intrude.

So he borrows a forklift and takes a spin over to Giant F’ing Hardware, Inc. just down the road. There he proceeds to grab some generators, and visit the paint section with Mr. Blasty, his handy twelve gauge, whose barrel he had shortened by 12″ with a hacksaw. Because it’ looks badass.

He has decided to just stay at GFEC, Inc. Why not? The furniture department is now his new home. Felix is a handy sort of guy, and we can watch as he McGyver’s the gas generators into the GFEC, Inc.’s  electrical system, ’cause he saw the “Life After People” show, and figures he has a week or so before the electricity fails. He knows he needs to keep the freezers going in what he has begun to call the larder.

And power the TV, him owning a fantastic DVD and video game collection now.

A world without bullshit

Felix is out driving about in one of his new Ford pickups when he sees Betsy, just sitting on a park bench with a dog. Together they set up shop in the aisleways of GFEC, Inc. And why not? Everything they could ever want or need is just right there in the fully stocked Temples of the Holy Consumer, AKA The Mall.

As our pair begins to explore outward, they meet Chris and Dorthy, and Peter and Dawn and finally Tim and Andrea.

Together they form a happy band getting along famously, treating each other with kindness and respect. And because no-one is an asshole, they work together to do important things. Like turning the garden section into a garden. And time passes. They encounter other bands of non-assholes in this happy little bullshit-free utopia. Things are just grand until…

Tim and Andrea give birth to little Jeffery. Who happens to be an asshole.

And the great circle of bullshit begins anew.

To a cacophony of cheers up in Bullshit Central.

It was a boring movie. Proving that good film requires some asshole interaction.

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