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And a human is…
So I ask, what is a human but a divine spark bound to a meatbot by the intricate skein of life that permeates each one of us and connects everything and everyone to everything and everyone else, Life that resonates and radiates with blinding glory through the cosmos from this sphere majestic we call earth.
And it is from this marvelous melding of meat and metaphysics that bullshit flows forth into the world and has done so continuously since the first primal bullshit event.
The Human/Bullshit Connection
Higher primates and bullshit go hand in hand. It’s a peanut butter/jelly, milk/honey, shit/stink kinda thing. Let’s pop in on a small band of humans at the beginning of bullshit and take a look at how that might have gone.
There is no bullshit in nature, things in nature are what they are in all their glorious diversity. This topic will be revisited.
It then stands to reason that there was a time before bullshit. The BB era. went on for 4.5 billion years and then BAM! The Bullshit Era was upon the earth. I’m guessing it sorta went like this.
The Birth of Bullshit
Here is as likely a scenario as anyone has ever made up about how bullshit entered the world. Might have been different, but the same end result.
A long time ago on a continent far far away…
It’s hot as fuck here in 200,000 BCE East Africa. Flies are buzzing around the carcass of something and it smells like, well, a lot like Africa does now. Somethings never change.
Caveman B invites Caveman A out to kill something and eat it. Though really, he wants to whack Caveman A with a rock, because Caveman B likes Cavewoman A a whole lot, and Cavewoman B not very much at all.
Her rock is coming, Courtesy of Cavewoman A and a similar ruse to go pick berries.
Yes, this does make both Caveman B and Cavewoman A equal assholes. At this point of development, there hasn’t been a Decent Human Being born yet, and one will be a while coming.
Yes, that does mean assholes came first. Deal with it. And they were together. The male no more or less assholey than the female.
And there it was. Bullshit. Never before seen on the earth. And the whole cosmos went. “Whoa. That fucking happened.”
The cosmos then went about the task of building all the needed infrastructure to accommodate the introduction of bullshit into the mortal realms by laying the groundwork for Bullshit Central.
Cavemen B and Cavewoman A are now not only the proud parents of first-generation bullshit but an entire BCS (Bullshit Capable Species). And A & B immediately went forth and began to multiply with a vengeance.
“Well,” the cosmos thought drily. “Here we go. Should be a fun to watch what comes next, The Bullshit Circus… yeah that’s what we’ll call it.”
And so our burgeoning band of homo sapiens began to grow and swell across the landscape, bullshit bags in tow.
Not the only theory
Of course, this is not the only origin theory on the beginning of Bullshit.
Bullshit in the Garden
One such is a nice tale about a garden, a snake, and an apple. Snake bullshitted the woman into eating the apple, who does and then bullshits the man, who takes a bite. And there was the primal bullshit. Then the Deity figure comes along and says “Hey! No bullshit allowed in my fucking garden. Both of you assholes get out.” And that was that. Note that it is generally portrayed as the woman’s fault.
A box full of Bullshit
Another great one was that all the bullshit was locked up in a box, and this chick just had to take a fucking look see. BAM. Out pops bullshit like some demented cosmic jack-in-the-box. And the Deity figures looked on with interest thinking.. “this could be a hoot.”
Note once again: a woman’s fault.
Sets things up quite nicely for relegating half the population to domestic servitude and meatbot production don’t you think?
And on it goes…
Prehistoric bullshit then followed the progenitors of homosapienism up out of Africa and spread forth across that planet. For eons, the bullshit stayed pretty basic. Then, it began to evolve and find new ways of expression.
Tune into the next episode, when we will witness complex bullshit forms begin to emerge in a small tribe of cave dwellers in what is to become the Southern European Bullshit Zone.
Up Next! The Evolution of Bullshit