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I don’t know when we crossed over from the post-modern world to the pre-apocalyptic world. Might have been when Crassholio was elected leader of the realm. Might have been when those bullshit bombs flew those airplanes into those buildings. Might have been before that. Who knows? Regardless, at some point, the apocalyptic outcome became pretty much a sure thing, what with people not making any great strides along the road toward being less assholey. 

I suppose that one of the signs that our fictional society in the Universe of Bullshit is circling the drain is Bullshit Bombs (BSBs) exploding left and right.

What is a bullshit bomb you ask?

It is a bomb made of bullshit. Fill a container with bullshit, pack it in real tight and watch what happens as either by chance or design an ignition source is applied. Comes in two basic varieties: The ones that just happen and the ones that are manufactured.

Bullshit Bombs that just happen

Autoignition. It is a swell scientific term relating to the temperature at which a material, bullshit, for instance, will catch on fire in the presence of a thermal flux. How long that takes is expressed mathematically as:

Whether a body understands that or not, it isn’t bullshit. It’s fucking science. It works exactly the same 100% of the time. Which is why it’s called fucking science.

So allow me to paint a picture. Bullshit, though a metaphor, from my observations, mirrors physical reality pretty closely. First take something inflammable, bullshit for example. Second, you take lots and lots of it and put it under pressure in a contained space, say a person. Third, apply heat. Boom. A clear sequence of events.

So how does this happen?

Well. You take a person whose meatbot might have some inability to process out all the bullshit with which the meatbot is bombarded constantly. The BS just stays inside and builds pressure as more and more bullshit is crammed in over a period of years by a profoundly fucked-up narcissistic culture. With helping hands from mom, pops, pervy uncle Henry, educators, elected officials, Pastor Dave, the Hollywierds and all those fucking friends on  Facebook. And it just sits there festering waiting for the right heat source to set it off.

Sometimes the heat source is an asshole who cuts the nascent BSB off in traffic. Sometimes its Giant F’ing, Inc. downsizing the old staff because executive bonuses are off this year. Sometimes it’s just friction heat from all the compressed bullshit. Doesn’t matter, the outcome is kaboom.

And Giant F’ing Media, Incorporated, and the Elected officials and wannabe Elected Officials restart the bandwagon with all their solutions. RE: more bullshit. And everybody gets all worked up over whose bullshit they like best.

What really happened? A Bullshit Bomb auto-ignited and exploded. With everyone blaming everything but the profoundly fucked-up, narcissistic culture, though they do occasionally blame mom, pops, pervy Uncle Henry and/or the Elected Officials of choice.

In the grand scheme of things not new. This type of bullshit bomb has been going off since there’s been bullshit.

But even a casual look gives us a picture of BSBs going off with increasing frequency and record-breaking magnitude. In a very pre-apocalyptic sorta way. That’s the first kind of BSB. On to the second.

The Asshole’s Cookbook: How to build a Bullshit Bomb

Once upon a time, an observant someone hit on the secret of BSBs and thought. “Wonder if I could make one of those?” And they went their assholey way doing just that.

Building your own Bullshit Bombs is a fun and rewarding pastime. Just gives the asshole in a body all the warm and fuzzies it could ever want.

To start with, some ideology or cause is needed. There’s a shitload. Just fucking pick one. Next, you need “those people over there.” These two things are the critical path components in the successful build.

Then hook up with some bomb casings. They’re out there, start a Meetup. Not all that much effort is required. Just look in places where deprivation, misery and oppression are the day to day…bomb factories. There’s a shitload. Just fucking pick one. Nothing like a measure of desperation and compressed rage to give the bomb that needed extra kick. And you can always promise a fuckton of virgins for the after party. 

Of course, you can also find a willing member of the opposite and make your own. Working with a fresh clean slate has all sorts of long-term potential.

Now comes the hard part. Start cramming in bullshit revolving around aforementioned ideology and/or cause while pointing frequently at those people over there. Use carefully measured quantities of bullshit, though. In time you’ll learn which bomb casings you can fast-track. Because the goal is for the BSB to detonate with timing and intent. Slow and easy at first is always best till you get the hang of it.

Do that with purpose and regularity and in no time flat, your brand-new Bullshit Bomb is ready to deploy. Easy Peasy. And holy shit, there’s a coupon for 50% off pilot school.

Congrats. You are now a Certified Bomb Technician. Great Job Asshole!

Oh and yeah… these have been going off quite a bit as well, in a very pre-apocalyptic sort of way. And as one final disturbing thought, how many of those accidental Bullshit Bombs were really manufactured for the purpose?


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